God's Delight

Is it considered idolatry to focus on one known aspect of God and ignore other known aspects? Do we mold Him completely by the aspects we focus on?
I bought Jason a book for his birthday, but he hasn't started reading it yet, so I picked it up, because, well, I feel like Jason is sad I don't read the books about God that we have. It's "The Pleasures of God" by John Piper. Jason read the other book, the title escapes my brain's fingers at the moment, but anyhow.
I'm only in the third chapter right now, but I have been confronted by something. Or a few things.
First off, John Piper claims God is a happy God. It rings true. it kind of shattered my whole idea of God, almost int he same way the Shack did (but in a good way).
The God I think about is angry with sin (and he is), and sad about bad things (and i know He is). But that's the only aspect of God I focus on. His many facets I ignore. They seem to contradict one another, but then again, God is so much bigger than me.
Mom taught me when I was very young that God did not make us because he was lonely, because God had the trinity, and they kept each other company. My mom also explained the trinity as an apple, it makes it so much easier to think of it that way. It surprises me when I read a theologian or a hear a preacher state things that my mom taught me. Honestly, I never thought her a very bible-wise person after I was 13, just cause I was a brat not allowing for human flaw.
I think I have always felt God as a depressed character. I remember contemplating the tortures of the cross when I was four and crying myself to sleep to think of someone going through all that stuff.
Actually, I may think of it this way--God is the angry one, Jesus is the sad one, and the Spirit is the information highway.
Two or three years ago I gave up trying to think of things that would please God. Everything is tainted by sin, all of creation was tainted by it, how could God find pleasure in any of it? I would look at a tree, see that it was beautiful, and be reminded that it's different from what was intended, and it's dying.
I used to think that there may be beauty in death (dried black roses and such), then realized sin did that, and sin is never beautiful.
So what could God find enjoyment in?
The first chapter was about God finding enjoyment in His son. That is a comfort and a soothing balm to my soul. God find enjoyment and happiness in Himself. I think it must be akin to knowing your parents love and enjoy one another when you're a child, that you are in a secure home. Yes, that feels right.
I never had that feeling before, I guess. But if I think about it, if my parents stayed together and they were loving to each other and faithful, I would have very similar feelings that the knowledge that The Father absolutely adores the Son.
Thats' another question. Jesus was the Word before He transformed into the Son, right? He wasn't always the Son because he was begetted (anyone know the real word?) in time, but outside of Time He was always with God and was God and made things, and was considered the Word. Crap, I forgot my original question this was leading up to....and Jason just took me off track with whether the Word was always the Son or if the word transformed into the Son when he took on the body of a man? Ok, I can't remember where this was going at all now. I'm trying to think about the Old testement and if God was called the Father in there, or if Jesus started it first.

Things I got from Rich

There are things I'm just realizing that growing up with Rich has affected upon me. They really aren't easy to accept, because I have, in recent years, looked at him more of a man who bought me and my siblings as boosts to his ego/harem children. Granted, I don't think Rich wanted to do what he did, considering how long it took him to actually act on it. I think it was a losing battle to his mind, and he is in denial about what he is. Thus the reason it would be best if he was locked up and maybe forced to take the sexual suppressant pills.
For some pedophiles, it's power they want, like some rapists. But I really think it's a misdirected sexual arousal toward children that Rich has.
Anyways, onto the list of things I gleaned from Rich.
1.) A love of books. When I was a teen, Rich always took me to Barnes and Noble, helped me to track rare books down that I really wanted, old used book stores, bought me tons of books that ended up being favorites.
2.) At one point I wanted to be a pilot, and I still would love to do that. Rich loved airplanes, even had one when I was a little girl. I remember flying in it frequently. My favorite thing was to go up and then drop, the feel of falling. I remember him always checking the fuel with this little tube and throwing it on the dusty ground. When we were pulling onto the runway for take off, he would yell "Clear!" and my job was to make sure it really was and yell 'Clear!" back. The engines were loud and they got quieter when we got higher up, it seemed. I always imagined hitting the tops of the trees as we were coming in for a landing. I loved flying, and I loved flying with Rich.
3.) My siblings. I don't know what I would do without them. Brian is most like him in the sense that Rich was always fixing stuff, collecting computers and old pinball machines to try and put them back together. Brian, from very little, took things apart, like the VCR and put them back together. Granted, Brian didn't do so well at putting them back together so they didn't work as well after he was done, which was annoying when I wanted to watch a movie. Rich was also an mechanic for Horizon.
4.) A work ethic. Rich was a workaholic, from what I remember. He worked as much as he could. I don't know if he really worked hard, but he seemed to. I think the whole child molesting thing put a speed bump in his Fred Meyer career, though. He rarely took days off, and worked so much that his daily clothing were black slacks and dress shirts, always. I learned from Rich that you can't just call in sick when you don't want to work (although in one job, I did just that all the time, I hated Toys R Us).
5.) My love for crime and courtroom TV. Rich was watching Law And Order for many many years,a nd finally I started watching it with him when we lived in Hillsboro, and became addicted. I love that show! HE also used to watch Cops. I don't mind Cops, but I do like all court TV and crime stories. Without Rich I probably wouldn't have any idea that it's so interesting.
Hardly anyone will remember Rich like I remember him. Few people want to say positive things about him. But I can't ignore the positive forever, can I? Reconciling the man that molested me as the man that raised me seems to settle peacefully with me. The years weren't wasted, weren't abusive majority of the time. He was a man that stole the role of dad from my dad, but it didn't ruin my life.

Thoughts on Gossip

Recognizing other gossips is getting easier. People who want to ask you little details so they can be "in the know" and when it comes up can easily share the info to look like they are connected.
And honestly, I've been in that situation. You don't really plan on it, or I didn't, but I was all too happy to share certain info with people, and getting that slight high from it, that you don't recognize until you realize what you're doing is wrong.
Something I learned in high school that kept my mouth shut about others for a while, and I think Rosie Jordahl said it, and it's stuck--When you talk about other people, you know you're being talked about.
But that has to be adjusted. The main thing that comes into mind when thinking about gossip is James 3:1-12.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to blow up with the info I get, and Jason is my dumping ground. Within our marriage, I feel safe to talk openly and not have it spread to others. Jason helps put things into perspective, if I'm way off base, he's quick to say it.
He also helps me in group conversations, after I confessed my gossip sin, if he hears me start to talk about someone else that might be info that isn't necessary, he gives me "that look" and will confront me about it later.
Learning who is and who isn't ok to share with can be pretty hard, except when it gets around that they talk about you or others. When information shared in confidence gets out, it can be pretty devastating.
I've pretty much stopped sharing with most people. Certain people can't seem to keep their mouths shut, therefore are irresponsible to share with, and just trying to figure out who they are is pretty easy.
I don't know what it would be like to not have Jason to trust with my secrets. What if he divulged my darkest secrets to his friends or family? What about my humiliating moments? Or things other people told me? I would be mortified, I would never want to open up, and our marriage would be lonely cause I could never trust him. I tell most people that tell me deep things that I talk openly with Jason and if they would rather I didn't say anything to him, to tell me. I expect people to share with their spouse whatever I tell them, I don't share anything I don't mind both spouses to know. And if I don't trust the spouse, I'm not going to tell the other.
I've also made it a point to let what others say about me roll off my back, or at least try. It's in Ecclesiastes, but I can't find it to quote it at the moment. Basically it says to not listen to every word said against you otherwise you'll hear your servant curse you, and then about how many times you've cursed men in your own heart. I wish I could find it, I might update later with the correct quote and passage.
So while it would hurt my feeling to hear someone say something bad about me, or even to discuss my life like they really know what was going on because they have some precious insight that others don't (honestly, that just makes me angry), I'm learning to let it go and chalk it up to our fallen nature and some day our relationships will be perfected, because God knows I do the same thing even if not out loud most of the time, it's still in my heart, and my tongue will steer me from my intended course and I'm sure that a lot of people, once they realized what they were doing, would feel the same way I do--like a fool who can't control themselves.

Confronting sin in myself

Something has come up that has brought to my attention much of my own personal sin. one of which is the drive to know what's going on with people. And trying really hard not to talk about it to other people about it. I know it's not my place to let people know what's going on in other people's lives. It's a sick obsession, wanting to know what everyone's life is including at that moment. It is not my place.
I am thinking of quiting facebook because I have to read status updates. And it causes me to make assumptions, without talking to the people, and forming opinions that may or may not be accurate.
I may not participate in my family site anymore, or myspace.
And because I believe this is a widespread problem among many people, I may stop posting personal experiences and thoughts. I shouldn't be inviting people into my life, like I thought I should when I started the blog.
Maybe some day I will make a book, seeing as how there will be an end to certain events, and people won't be just following along and helping to shape the outcomes.
I probably should be taling to Jason more, instead of blogging abut my ideas. Instead of talking to him, I've been writing it down for other people to read so I could have some peace of mind about my thoughts.
Too many people I don't know are reading my blog. Should I be confessing sin on here like I have? I just didn't want things to come out and jump me in conversations, I wanted to be open, to not lie and let people think I was an ok person. I think I did it out of the defense that people have called me self-righteous, and I wanted everyone to know I was well aware of my sin,t hat my righteousness is Christ alone.
So in the past I've said some things about people I shouldn't have, I had no idea what I was talking about, and if I had something to say about it, I should have only talked to them, and not someone else. I've been beating myself up for a lot of stuff I've done. I havea lot of apologizing to do to a lot of people, but I'm scared.
Anyways, yeah, this might be the end of the blog.

The love of God

Jason told me a few nights ago that he didn't see much love for God in me. So, yes, that makes one stop and contemplate their life. Questions such as "Is God just a get-out-of-hell-free ticket to me?" or "What's happened?" are pretty much top of the line questions.
So I seriously thought about how I would feel (yes, I see the irony here) if I went to Hell. Of course, when I was in Hell I'm sure pain would be top the list of why I hated being there, but right now, with that pain non-existant, I wondered. I actually thought about what it would mean. It would mean no Jesus.
This started me tearing up, and when you're driving that's a bad thing. But I couldn't let go of that because I had to follow this through. Feelings are dangerous, unreliable sources, but sometimes they make you realize where your priorities ought to be.
What made me sad, is, even if Hell wasn't such a bad place to be in, I could never speak to Jesus. I could never face him, or touch him, or ask him questions, or anything. That hurts me pretty deeply.
But I know what it says in the Bible is those who follow his commandments are his friends, that you should love God with everything, and that you should love others, too.
There's my downfall. I suck at loving people. I realized I hate people. I can't stand them. It's hard to imagine serving an idiot who has put their family at risk because of their own selfish ambitions.
How can you love God if you hate your brother?
And i know the saying "love the sinner hate the sin," but it's recently come to my attention that this was a quote from Mahatma Ghandi! Ugh! Never going to repeat that again.
Anyways, I recognize that when I'm out and about and Sharing the Gospel, I spend more time in prayer, more time in the Word, and feel more growth than when I'm kicking it around the house for months on end. I also don't hate people unless they repeatedly offend me on purpose.
So we know the solution for Joy is to go serve...but I still don't see that happening with this bad back, being blood-pressure low pregnant, and having a baby already.
Yes yes, a little discomfort isn't going to kill me, I just have to do it.

Yesterday i got to ask my sister some really important questions about her beliefs. I've decided not to evangelize her, she knows the truth, but has been blocked from accepting it. At least right now from what we see, and her answers.
I didn't want to talk to her about why she should believe in God, but mom started it. Mom blatantly asked Jenica if she believed in God at all, adn Jeni answered that she didn't know. I was given a great opportunity. I told her I wasn't trying to debate her but I was curious about her answers to some questions.
I thought she said that if God existed she believed he would want her to live her life as she pleased. But I was wrong. I asked her over and she said no, that's not what she said. I thought I would cleverly ask her if everyone should live how they pleased, and if that included murderers and rapists, but since that's not what she said, I couldn't say it.
BUT! What she did say was that if she were to believe in God, she wouldn't follow his rules, because she just didn't want to. I asked her if her life, the way she lived it now, was worth living if she knew there were consequences when she died.
She said it still wouldn't matter because she didn't have any desire to live her life for God.
I appreciate Jeni's honesty in this.
There is nothing we can do or say to Jenica that will make her want to come to Christ. We preach the gospel, and only those who feel that pull to the truth can come, because Christ has ordained them to, and is calling them to it.
You can be as difficult about it as you want, but it's going to get you. No escape.
Jenica is a slave to sin, as we all were before Christ broke that chain for us. A slave has no choice in the matter. Our difference is that when we become a Christian, a new creation is born, and a new set of desires will be put in place. We war with our sin, where as unsaved people can just accept what they are doing and call it their human nature.
Jeni's honesty has led to a very real understanding of the change in desires. She's also a great person to ask about anything that comes to a number of subjects that . She said she gets to decide when life begins. That McDonalds is evil and her tobacco company of choice is not. That becoming energy independant is worth the death of many unborn babies.
I think she's very confused, because I asked her one time when she thought life began (right before elections) and she said at conception. Then yesterday she said she didn't really know but that she would get to decide. I asked he rif she thought her baby was alive and she replied that she thought so, and I asked her when he suddenly sprouted to life. She turned the radio up. She did this off and on all day.
Have I ever told anyone how irritated I am when someone wants to share their opnion and argue their point but when it comes time to answer difficult questions or hear the opposition, they decide they don't want to talk anymore? Frustrating to no end.